Case Study #1: Grandma refuses to visit grave of her husband
“I can’t go [to the annual commemoration of grandpa’s death],” declared Grandmother.
“Mother,” said Aunt Pearl with impatience, “Not this again.”
“I won’t go,” Grandmother repeated.
“You must go,” said Aunt Pearl, “We buried the old father last May, and now we must go pay our respects. It’s the one-year burial anniversary. You’re his wife.”
“I don’t care. I’m not going to that damned place.”
Note: The Chinese typically do not visit the graves of the deceased save on specific occasions when specific rituals make it safe to visit. Notice also that the burial place is a considerable distance from where they are now.
“Dear mother, for heaven’s sakes, why not?”
“Because you saw how he died,” hissed Grandmother, “Feeble, in his bed, with his bedpans. Such indignity. Smoking a cigarette until his last moments. Selfish. He was the type of man who kept his best thoughts for himself. When Hu [his son] was sent off to labor in the boonies [as part of the Cultural Revolution], did he raise a finger? No! I was the one who walked miles for my son—your husband. But when Little Sister [my younger daughter] went to Beijing for college, who took a vacation in the big city to visit every year? Him, of course. The old fogey was selfish and self-absorbed. I was the one who kept this family together. How dare he leave me [to die] so suddenly, in that way, with such—such indignity. I will not go visit him. He should be the one to come visit me. He should be the one—he should be the one—”
“Don’t say that,” exclaimed Aunt Pearl, aghast, “How would you feel if he really came back to haunt you? You’d have a heart attack, and we’d be burying you next!”
Note: The Chinese do not typically look forward to a visit from a dead relative. If there is a visit, the expectation is that it would lead to disastrous consequences.
“Oh, I would have some choice words for him,” said Grandmother.
“Oh—dear!” Aunt Pearl quickly made a bow to Grandfather’s home shrine in the corner of the kitchen. The grey face in his portrait remained impassive. Uncle Hu, standing silent by the door, looked at his watch.
With an air of finality, Grandmother sat down on a kitchen chair and repeated, “I’m not budging. I’m too old. I waited so many years, in bad weather, for him. He can stand to wait a few more years for me.”
Aunt Pearl wavered between Grandmother and Uncle Hu like an indecisive bee. Finally she exclaimed, “Ai-ya! Have it your way, then. Don’t blame me if he comes back and haunts you for being a faithless wife,” and then, with genuine anxiety, “Mother, if you still insist on your blasphemy, make sure you hang a frond of palm and a clove of garlic over the door. You can buy palm fronds for cheap at the fourth street market. Oh, and the garlic must be extra pungent. That is the only way to ward away ghosts.”
Note: Here one finds the daughter prescribing the standard remedies for warding off “ghosts.” The “ghost” in this case is not a stranger, not a demon, but the daughter’s grandfather.
Aunt Pearl shepherded the entire family out the door. On the street waited four gleaming Toyotas, the same ones we used [rented] last year. As I climbed into a back seat, I looked back over my shoulder into Grandmother’s kitchen window.
Grandmother stood in the middle of the room for a moment, arms folded, watching us go. Then, as the door of the last Toyota clicked shut, her entire body relaxed. Perhaps it was a trick of the tinted windows, but the lines of grief she had accumulated in the past few months seemed to melt from her face. Her lips formed a slow, secret smile.
She sat down cross-legged, in the fashion of a small girl, in front of Grandfather’s shrine [inside the house]. With tenderness, she picked up his black-and-white portrait and placed upon it a single kiss.
Case Study #2: An Unusual Visit to a Grave in Shanghai
When Elena and I want to think of what to do in an unknown city, we go to TripAdvisor.com. We choose TripAdvisor because (unlike most tourist bureaus) we like the “up close and personal” approach to visiting. TripAdvisor guarantees small groups with a local guide who speaks excellent English. The use of local guides is very important. They promise to give a personal viewpoint.
In Thailand, for instance, we used TripAdvisor to help us choose a “cooking class.” We began at the open market. Here we were introduced to a dozen of the ingredients that we would be using to make our coconut soup and red curry chicken dish. Next we were taken to find the same ingredients growing in a vegetable garden. Finally we went into the kitchen area where there were a dozen cooking stations. Then, hands on, we were guided step-by-step into make the soup, curry, and an exotic blue dessert. The whole experience took six hours, but it gave me lifelong memories and the skill for making a few Thai dishes.
With this “up close and personal” approach, I was not entirely surprised that TripAdvisor features The revolutionary heroine of Song Qingling Cemetery Park. Chinese would not be inclined to visit a cemetery outside of the safe days. Even then, one visits the graves of one’s ancestors. There is no interest in visiting the graves of strangers, unless that person is very famous. As it turns out, there are three Song sisters. One married General Chiang Kai Shek who controlled the Kuomintang army and assumed the position of the President of China (until he was forced to relocate in Taiwan). The second sister married a wealthy banker who became the Finance Minister of Hong Kong. Her life was one of great wealth and luxury. The third sister, Song Qingling, married Dr Sun Yat Sen, the founding father of modern China, but he passed away shortly later.
Note: In China, women do not change their names when they marry. In this regard, they are like the Italians. Unlike the Italians, however, both men and women give their family name first and then their given name. Thus, for the third sister, “Song” was her family name and not her given name. In the West, the tradition is the reverse order. Thus in the case of President Xi Jinping, “Xi” is the family name. Same for Mao Zedong. In Forbes Magazine, one reads: “Xi Jinping was elevated to a Communist Party “core” leader in 2016, an honor previously bestowed upon Mao Zedong and Deng Xiaoping.” Forbes, consequently, follows the Chinese tradition of giving the family name first even when it is communicating with a culture that does just the opposite. In most cases, family names have one syllable, given names have two syllables. You will notice that this general rule is followed in all the Chinese names used here.
Here (pic shown) is the reviewer with friends at Song Qingling Cemetery Park on a foggy day is courtesy of Tripadvisor
Song Qingling did not enjoy any prestigious status or became wealthy after her husband’s death. Instead, she decided to embark on a tumultuous tough path living among the common masses leading and dedicating her whole life to the revolutionary cause of overthrowing the warlords, the corrupted regime led by Chiang Kai Shek and in the establishment of the People’s Republic of China.
Her whole life was one of great sacrifice, hardship and toughness. She lived among the lowest strata of her people knowing their aspiration and relentlessly pursuing a revolutionary cause for her people. She abandoned wealth and luxury in search for the happiness of her people.
To quote Mao’s famous saying: Life can be heavy like a mountain or light like a feather. Song Qingling’s life was one heavy like a mountain and she is well remembered as the founding mother of Modern China.
Before her demise, Songqingling had requested for her body to be buried at this cemetery site of her parents. Our tour guide explained that the cemetery site is an extraordinary auspicious burial site with geomancy metaphysical [i.e. Fengshui] endowments.
Note: Fengshui is the ancient Chinese practice of trying to create balance with the natural world in our interior spaces. For some examples, go to https://www.mydomaine.com/feng-shui-home-tips
From a Fengshui (geomancy) perspective, if the burial site is well endowed with all the positive characteristics, the future generations of the deceased shall benefit and prosper.
Note: I did a Google search and found this: “Feng Shui masters believe that a grave’s characteristics, both good and bad, can influence a family for generations.” The fact that this is found printed in the Chinese Daily is a signal that such claims (that might register as superstitions by most Westerners) are to be credited. If you ask someone in China whether they are “religious,” they mostly often say “no” because “religion” is associated with the Western forms of Christianity, Judaism, and Islam. In their mind, Fengshui, along with Buddhism, Daoism, and Confucianism are not “religions” at all. They are traditional ways of being and doing that are harmonious with Marxism.
Our tour guide also pointed to the bending cypress and pine trees that surrounded the cemetery and I observed that the trees were all bending inwards and downwards at a focus point towards the burial site. I was astonished at the strange phenomenon and the only explanation from my tour guide was that it was an excellent geomancy site.
I expected some scientific explanation like that there was a large electro magnetic field beneath the earth but his explanation remained metaphysical which the naked eyes or mind could not visualize or explain.
Note: The visitor expected a scientific explanation of why the trees “were all bending inwards and downwards.” Instead s/he was given a 3000-year-old Fengshui perspective.
In my heart, I saluted this great revolutionary heroine who abandoned wealth and luxury for the emancipation of her people. With a rising China, may her soul now rest in peace. [source]
Note: It is unclear here whether the visitor is offering an abbreviated traditional Christian prayer here, namely, “May the souls of the faithful departed through the mercy of God rest in peace.”
Case Study #3: Chinese burial customs
Since Neolithic times, the Chinese have been obsessed with remembrance of those in their family who have gone before them and then died. To be forgotten by one’s children and grandchildren is tantamount to a total disaster. One’s ghost would enter the spirit world as a low-ranking personage, looked down upon by other spirits. To prevent this terrible fate, the ancient Chinese buried their dead with plentiful provisions, including a large supply of the deceased’s favorite food and alcohol. These burial sites were normally constructed in remote places. No one wanted to live near a burial site.
Today, oranges, meat buns, and other delicacies are left on graves when relatives gather for the annual remembrance ceremonies. Wax fruit, plastic jade bracelets, and paper Rolex watches are common symbolic offerings. A cigarette might be lit and left burning on the grave. Here you can see the whiskey bottle with three glasses of half-filled with the liquid–the sign of a final farewell toast to the dead person. The square red box is a sign that four roman candles had been fired off–a traditional way for warding off unfavorable spirits/ghosts from the burial site.
In the USA, folks routinely take leisurely walks in cemeteries. I myself used to routinely cycle to Spring Grove Cemetery, and my daughter and granddaughters delight in visiting the ponds there. In China, this would not happen. Chinese avoid cemeteries and enter them only when they are prepared to gather their clan for an annual commemoration of a dead ancestor. Before any ceremonies are attempted, however, roman candles and fireworks are exploded around the tomb in order to frighten off evil spirits.
Burial in Modern China
In modern China, cremation has been law since 1956 when 151 communist party officials, including Chairman Mao Zedong, signed a Funeral Reformation proposal. Given the nearly half-billion Chinese deaths that occurred from the 1940s to 1960s, there was a simple logic to incineration. According to the China Funeral Association, modern China has a death count of over eight million people each year. Four million of these bodies were cremated, which brings the cremation rate to 52.7 percent. Where have all the others gone? They have been buried in these ancient burial sites. Some have even preferred to have their bodies shipped out of China and buried elsewhere so as to avoid cremation. Needless to say, this is one area where old traditions are devotedly upheld and where the government appears to allow official policies to be weakly enforced. Click here to view the desperate measures to attain a proper burial